Return of the (Ok, Not at All Daily) Dose of Douchebaggery!
Aaaaand we’re back with a bang! In the form of an awesomely grandiloquent letter from Darryl Edwards to the Columbia Daily Tribune. We have no clue what he’s writing in about, but the title alone (Nanny state feeds on teat of women’s lib) is so great that it doesn’t even matter. It’s long, but it’s worth it. Herewith, our new favorite sad guy, and our interpretation of his flowing prose:
Why is our country swamped under the drowning flow of red ink as marked by our bulging national debt, our palladium of civic manners debauched by bullying indecency, our disposable income dwarfed by higher tax rates, frozen wages and the ballooning cost of living, and our society steeped in a stupor of despair to remedy these problems?
(Ed: why does everything suck so much right now?)
Solutions to national interest require virtuous, intrepid men to trailblaze a pathway to recovery from the shambles of mismanagement. The industrious and valorous men of our founding generation are churning in their graves at the lurid sight of simpering male misfits.
(Ed: because men are not MEN!)
The germ that spawned this pusillanimous debility must be laid squarely in the lap of our female cohort. Through slow, stealthy degrees, they have beguiled the male population to offer them equal rights; in that wake appeared the problems we now experience. This sneaky, confederate rise to power has unequivocally dashed the dominion of male-dominated sovereignty and replaced this imperial rite with androgynous misrule of nanny-state defeatism.
(Ed: gender equality turned us all into a bunch of pussies!)
Their insidious agenda has brought on the social rot that now afflicts our civilization. This furtive conspiracy of misandry has produced a male brood of pandering, milquetoast hermaphrodites.
(Ed: literally!)
The roaring flare of lusty, rugged male individualism has dimmed to a flicker of callow, epicene pushovers. A notable psychiatrist has attributed this social dysfunction to insufficient breastfeeding.
(Ed: our mothers really f-ed us up.)
It’s past time for men to stand up and exert their sacerdotal privilege of domestic rule and begin the remodeling of our grand “city on a hill!”
(Ed: we had to look up “sacerdotal” and turns out it means priestly. um, ironic!)
